sometimes i wonder if a psychiatrist would diagnose me as clinically depressed. a few people have jokingly [i think] called me bipolar. well i can assure them that im not, according to wikipedia and my psyc book from 2001. according to them, i have to have "manic" or creepily happy up periods. nope, i pretty much feel like a black hole all the time. since i cant get meds for it without losing my job, and my sex drive is already at zero, i wonder what i should do to alleviate this. im too chicken shit to commit suicide anyways.
i always thought about suicide and felt like my life was destined to suck, which it does. so around after my grandfather died of leukemia in 2002 i left my miserable life and got a new job. i thought it was something that would change my life for the better, which it did. however a steady paycheck and no longer being homeless does no solve depression. the last two years have probably been the worst since i was 12. i've swung in and out of alcoholism, have had increasing social anxiety problems, and have had zero friends or even close acquaintances. yep, the only person i talk to about my problems is my own head when im in the shower for 10 minutes a morning. that can't be good.
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